Thank you Mitch

Over the past year and a half I have taking a fancy to reading. The one book that has rocked my experience the most has been The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. The book is an allegory of "Heaven" and "Hell" which I think is pretty correct with my beliefs of what each would look like according to my subjective understanding. Why do I enjoy reading this book so much? Because I believe my life is described by one of the characters in the book. There is a dirty, greasy, and oily ghostly-character who lives with a lizard attached to his shoulder. This lizard whispers thoughts into the character's mind which closely resemble the "stinkin' thinkin" described in 12-step circles. Basically the lizard tells the character he cannot live without him. Through an ambivalence filled conversation the character finally decides he can live without the lizard, at which point the angel kills the lizard. The story does not end here though. After the lizard is killed it is transformed into a amazingly beautiful stallion. The character is also transformed into everything he was suppose to be.
My life intersected with the character's on July 1, 2005 (a Friday to be exact at 10 am). I stood at a crossroads: addiction or relationships. I had created a huge mess of my life and relationships. I truly felt like the character with the lizard on his back, oily, greasy, and dirty...not to mention found out. I was so scared! The only thing I could think of was I need to talk to my friend Roger. I met with Roger and we talked. This talk is really why I believe in God. During my conversation with Roger he told me he was going camping that day with some other men who also struggled with addiction. Within 30 minutes of meeting those guys at the campground, I felt truly accepted, severely challenged, and confronted. For the rest of the summer I met with those guys every Tuesday. With open ears and warm hearts those guys listened as I poured out the enormous amount of pain I felt inside. I cried tears of sorrow and learned it was healthy to cry in front of other men. Most importantly, I allowed myself to rip open the hurt in my life. This turned out to be the most horribly beautiful experience of my life. Laying my suffering out, exposing myself as vulnerable, I was finally ready to let Christ burn me clean. And damn did it burn! Now looking back at the person I used to be I would like to thank him for making such a painful choice. He allowed me to begin a journey of healing which I believe never ends. Even better, I get to pay it forward. Starting next Monday I start my practicum in counseling. I am super-nervous and at the same time confident I can give my clients a little piece of hope from my experiences.

Here is a little something I want to leave at the end of this posting. During the conversation where the character in Lewis's story comes to terms with letting the angel kill the lizard ,the character decides maybe another time would be best for him. He says "let me run back [to hell] and get an opinion from my own doctor. I'll come again the first moment I can." The angel responds to the character "this moment contains all moments"