The Transformation of Mitch

How are you today? (It will make sense later why I ask this question.)

This last weekend I was really upset about how I thought one of my professors was treating me. I was perceiving her as this unresponsive and unavailable person who activates my dismissive attachment tendencies. Wow, that previous statement is wordy, what I really meant to say is I experienced my professor as my father. I experienced her as not giving me what I needed which set off the protester deep within my unconscious. I started to mumble and complain, better know as bitching and moaning. After ruminating on my experience for a couple of days, I opened up to one of my really close colleagues, I prefer to call him my friend.

His words helped lead me to a realization of the heart (not of the mind). He said that in the mix of things my professor is a 60 watt light bulb, who provides a soft white light. But those who love and care for me (attachment figures) are the 600 watt light bulbs who are so bright, they fill my being with energy from the inside out. After hearing that story on Tuesday my whole week changed dramatically. I started connecting and going deeper with my clients (by the way I am a counseling intern right now) more than I ever thought I could. After seeing clients, I went home and was energized and excited to be in the presence of my wife. The next day was another home run in a family session. In the middle of all this, I had an interaction with the professor I sensed as being aloof. It was also amazing because she gave me some affirmation. Even better, after the affirmation from her, I was trying to say I experience her as intimidating, but what came out of my mouth was "you used to intimidate me." No Freudian slip there, thats my experience. I feel, this week, I transformed from the inside out and am not the same Mitch that walked into a couples counseling class on Friday night ready to dismiss everything I did not agree with because my professor was not giving me what I wanted.

So what the punch of the question at the beginning of this blog posting? I have been trying to figure out how to answer that question for a long time. I have been very reluctant to answer the with the ever so dreaded "I feel ...something other than good" for fear of being dismissed, rejected, or shamed. My experience now feels like this: "How are you today Mitch?", "Well I am sad, mad, irritated, anxious, or any other emotion, but you know what, even though I am experiencing these emotions, I know deep down in the depths of my heart there are people who love me! How freeing it has been and still is to say those words the past few days.